it's shattering to be constantly reminded of your own mediocrity, in a way that's very quiet. the shattering, i mean, is very quiet. it's one of those soundless moments in the movies where you can see something go terribly wrong, and no one is doing a thing about it. or one of those moments in life, where things are spiralling out of hand so fast, and so loud, that all the noise that comes out of it is like white-noise, and while you can see the one way out of it is to turn off something, you're loathe to actually do it, because all that chaos is so soothing. maybe it's because all that noise has a way of dulling that constant reminder.