car passing, the first sound that registers in a long while. X sits, staring at the screen, thinking up words like she has been doing for the last few weeks. it's a repetitive process - image => words => nothing.

the image is unformed, she says to herself; then she forgets. the image and the words it tries to cough up. there seems to be an ingrained sort of restlessness that threatens to become a constant for the current year. only in the third month, and her feet feel lost if they don't tap. her entire body is still, like that bird that pretends to meditate, or like the crocodile that lays with it's mouth open in the sun, or a cockroach. she hates cockroaches, but she cannot help but think her legs are taking on the role of the cockroachy antennae, her entire body is still but her legs cannot help but tap tap tap. or just kind of play with the air. move. like tapdance, but not hit the ground.

restlessness is the labour of love. it takes a lot in this day and age to not be restless, yet a restlessness of any substance is quite difficult to achieve. a restlessness of more than mediocrity is born perhaps out of a need to do too much but a want to do nothing. there is a degree of laziness involved. a degree of self preservation, and a moment of impatience at one self. and a major deficiency in planning. if one has a need to do something, and no self preservation or that one moment of impatience that makes you want to fuck it all, and can plan, and follow that plan in orderly fashion, well you couldn't possibly be restless even if you tried.

but to have a plan, to feel the need to execute it, to go into it without care, but then eventually not want to do it. that is leavign tons of pent up energy. all in your body, all fired up and ready for... well, nothing. that leaves you like X. sitting in front of the computer screen. taptaptaptapping the keyboard with her fingers, and the swirling the air with her feet. one foot at a time and then both feet. repeat process.

her IM windows have a lot of green. everyone's online. everyones not busy. conversation starters are ready. cat, doll, book, justin timberlake, paki cricket coach, sri lanka v/s bangladesh, possible trip to rome. there is a need to talk, to put all that into words, and possibly stop her feet from exhausting themselves. however. there isn't a want.